Cautious, Confusion & Creative Contentment

Writing this blog started out as a way to connect with fellow photographers and moms. Ryan Kate being my muse and me sharing my creative concepts behind her shoots. I grew tired of it quickly and let it fall quietly through the cracks. There was something missing. 
For a long time I couldn't figure out what is was or even where I was trying to go with it. I had a precious toddler with funny stories and beautiful pictures, but I was writing for all the wrong reasons. I was writing to create an audience. 
Rewind a year ago to when I decided to quit my job and take a huge leap of faith. It kind of sounds like a perfect time to start a blog. There was a ton of new stuff going on, but NONE of this 'new stuff' was anything that I was willing to share. It was an unknowing, embarrassing, scary time. So instead of sharing my real life and the ugly truth I shared my highlights. Ryan Kate. 
Ryan Kate is and without doubt will always be my highlight. She's the number one reason I decided to take this leap of faith and follow this journey that is my new career and calling. (I've settle with knowing this is my calling – there has been too much evidence of that in the past years to deny it now.) While I've made mistakes and learned lessons and doubted every step of the way… being with her has been my constant joy. The highlight of my day. 
Now that I am a year into this journey, with lessons learned the hard way and eager to learn more as I continue, I am ready to begin a new chapter. One that I will be able to look back and enjoy later in life and one that hopefully will shine a light on what it's like as a new mom and business owner. 
It. Is. Hard.
You're the boss. You. Yep… that's it. If you don't get paid, that's on you. No one else. Just you. It sounds really great on the outside, until you deep in the inside wondering where your next pay check is coming from. 
So a little history… I started shooting (not professionally, just as a hobby) in 2008. I have come to realize that this time was an awesome creative FREE time for me. If I didn't feel creative during the next several years, I just didn't shoot. No cares given – my life just went on. 
Now here we are 9 years later and one full time job less – That creative 'free' time is over. I don't have the luxury of just going on with life. You know what happens when I have a creative rut now? I stress. I get anxious. I worry that I'll never be creative again and that I've lost it. Whatever 'it' is that I have.
It never EVER fails that as soon as the first heat waves hit Louisiana my creativeness begins to melt away. Part of this is because is 954 degrees everyday. Some of it has to do with it just being a typical slow time for photographers around our area. But a lot of it has to do with it just being summer and I would 100% rather be digging in the dirt, swimming in RK's kiddie pool or just simply living life with my family. 
So from April 2017 until maybe yesterday?… I have lived with guilt that I'm as not busy as I "need" to be. I have been praying and praying over this. Nothing short of begging God to bring my creativeness back. It may not seem like a long time, but it is very much so when you're running a business and wondering when your next paycheck is coming.
But God has answered my prayers in more ways than one in the past few months. I have learned to trust Him each month to provide for my small business and family. And He has. Each and every month. Learning to not expect everything at once is a hard thing to do, but it helps once you finally accept it. 
So while I'm not 100% back in my creative zone, I am trying. I've figured out that trying is better than completely shutting down. I look forward to when it's completely back and I'm so busy that I can't keep up, but until then I'm determined to enjoy this slow time. Especially since I have a little one to enjoy and her eyes are always looking up to me for answers.